Does being a good person automatically mean you will be a good wife? 15 years ago, my answer would have been yes. But now that I have grown; I will say the latter. Being a good person does not necessarily mean you will be a good wife. As women we will need more than a good heart to be with someone till death. And as for me, becoming a good wife was something I had to grow into, and truth be told, it didn’t take place until I grew into who I was called to be individually.
Prior to getting married, I had a few bad relationships that even Stevie Wonder himself could see wasn’t going to lead anywhere positive. So, when I met my husband it was a breath of fresh air. Our connection was instant and I knew within days he would be my husband. Nothing was forced. We just fit.
As a result, things moved fast, and before you know it, we were married. Unfortunately, I was too young to know what I was getting myself into. However, saying “I DO” seemed easy enough. I did what I thought was the next thing to do in a great relationship. I secured the bag! Together we made sense so marriage was of course the next best course of action.
Initially, everything seemed ok, and communication was great. We spent an enormous amount of time together and life seemed easy. I simply loved looking at him, as I was fascinated by his dark, and handsome appearance. Loving him felt good, the best that I had ever experienced. So, I wore blinders as I looked past the other stuff that came with loving him. As for me, I knew how to cook, and keep a clean house. We agreed on parenting methods and our careers were blossoming which made us close to 90k collectively. Our chemistry kept our intimacy consistent and most of all, we both believed in God and were raised with the same spiritual beliefs. In my mind, we were a match made in heaven.
Then reality set in, the first few years of our lives were filled with arguments and me wanting to leave. Our marriage wasn’t anything like I’d imagine it would be. Date nights, family vacations, dinners, homework with the kids, and Sunday morning worship was what I signed up for. So, when things took a turn for the worse, and we began to experience loss; my husband’s partying became a regular occurrence and I wanted out. I wanted out of everything, out of the home and out of the marriage.
Our disagreements seemed to become a daily event and became unbearable for me. So, when the voices began to escalate, I would leave. Regardless of the time of day or location I would run. One day, while in a car on a highway with only two lanes and miles of trees, I demanded he let me out of the car, and I began to walk. Don’t ask me where I was going because I had no idea. What I did know for sure was remaining in that car with him was no longer an option. This is just one of many times I call myself leaving him. Until one day, my father-in-law said, “My son’s life is not a revolving door. You wanted to marry him, so it’s time to step up and be a wife”. (Pause and inhale) That was a serious insult to me and a wake-up call at the same time. I was a wife, so I thought (Exhale). It wasn’t until then that I asked myself what did I get myself into.
Well, after 8 1/2 years of that rollercoaster, we separated and began marital counseling. We could no longer handle the emotional baggage we both possessed. Our separation consisted of confronting childhood issues, self-discovery, spiritual growth, and emotional healing. After ten months of counseling, we were able to reconcile and find our way back together. Two of my biggest takeaways, was that for years I required my husband to love me when I didn’t myself; and the other was how easy it had become for me to reveal his faults and hide my own. Now was therapy an easy journey? Not at all, but we found it necessary for us. What I have discovered during my process is that there is no way for a husband and wife to become one unit until they individually discover their own self-worth and capabilities. For us, a third party was needed and helped us in many ways.
We both thought we were ready for marriage, but in reality, we had no idea what that truly involved. We now know that marriage requires far more than the superficial characteristics that one brings into a marriage. There is no way to say with certainty that a woman is fully prepared to become a wife. But if you decide to take the plunge. You will need more than a good heart, cooking and cleaning skills to make it work.
And in the end nothing's found that wasn't already there down deep inside there was Love...
I found Myself Again..
- Poem by Vincent LeVine